sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
A bitchslap is in order.
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