I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
