Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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