she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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