can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
