You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
