wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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