haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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