well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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