I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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