Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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