I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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