i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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