Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
