i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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