just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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