were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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