Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
