Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
