Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
