I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I love you.
Bad choice
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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