dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
