The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
did i just pee glitter
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
