i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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