i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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