well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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