i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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