I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
