This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
