my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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