she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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