There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
