I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my shit smells like andre
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
