She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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