I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
