So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
