did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
