looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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