Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize