70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
