you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
