You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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