If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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