remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
