I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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