Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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