In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
"it" just moved
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
