I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
