Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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