my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
