Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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