i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
