I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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