Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Randomize
