I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
