I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
