We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
