My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
